Five Ways You Don't Have to Die in Minecraft

Five Ways You Don't Have to Die in Minecraft

Sooner or later, it happens: you find yourself without two torches to rub together in a place that is startlingly familiar. We've all been little more than the smoldering ash left behind in a creeper's kamikaze crater, but there are some among us who know the spawn point better than the back of their blocky hand. Here's five ways to die that never have to happen to anyone. Take note, and save face!

The Tutankhamen

What keeps mummies well preserved for thousands of years? That’s right—the wonderfulhermetic properties of sand. You and the boy king of Egypt will have this in common, if you make the mistake of digging straight into the ceiling above your head. Tut’s got all the perks, though: the god worship, the golden artifacts and beloved pets accompanying him to the afterlife, a nice geometric wonder marking his final resting place. You, on the other hand, will awake cold and naked and devoid of your inventory. As the zombies eagerly dig through the sand-and-gravel pile for a late night corpse snack, you’ll be making the long trip back to your stuff with egg on your face.

The Dig Dug

Patience is the virtue that best serves would-be dungeon overlords. Similar to theTutankhamen, the Dig Dug is all about pick placement. How many times have you begun work on your next subterranean vault, filled with the best of intentions, only to find yourself seeing red after a careless stroke? Creating an underground lair can be a tedious task. Stay alert! Keeping one eye on your pickaxe and the other on a rerun of Jersey Shore is a recipe for disaster: either you’ll dig into a monster infested cavern, or you’llaccidentallydig into a cave hidden directly beneath your feet. Your only consolation? As you plummet to your doom, take solace in the fact that, unlike Snooki, no one is going to turn your regrettable choices into reality TV.

The Zombie Sandwich

Many players have kicked themselves for turning an ill-advised nocturnal stroll into a regrettable (and highly avoidable!) scramble for lost inventory. Pockets bulging with ore, you’re trundling your newly gotten goods from a nearby strip mine to the safety of your impregnable fortress, when suddenly you spy an offending ghoul blocking the way. The mistake? Keeping your eyes on the creature. As the zombie shambles towards you, go ahead and put your back to the monstrosity—their weak pathfinding will keep a healthy distance between you and them. If you backpedal, you just might find yourself moving unawares into range of a second zombie that’s spawned unnoticed behind—a situation that spells nightmare for you, but for a couple of zombies with urgent needs, becomes pure fantasy.

The Bump’n’Burn

Sooner or later, some Explorer type is going to pull you down with him into a cave complex. Flush with the excitement of finding a subterranean lava pool the size of Lake Superior, or perhaps filled with the sort of lust only provoked by the sight of a diamond vein, your adventuring companion is going to lose his wits in the heat of the moment and ignore the fact that the natural stone bridge upon which you’re both standing, spanning the fiery abyss below, is only a single block wide. In the ensuing struggle to occupy the same tiny space, one of you is probably going to lose not only your life, but more importantly, whatever you were carrying around in your backpack. Keep a cool head when underground, and before you start your partnered spelunk, remind your friend to keep a safe distance near lava.

The Grinch

There may be no worse fate than the outer darkness reserved for those who get Grinched. For those needing a refresher, the titular furry green monstrosity creeps late one night into Whoville and begins sabotaging Christmas while its denizens are unaware. Unlike in the story, however, when folks find out how you’ve griefed them, they won’t wait around long enough for you to have a change of heart. In other Minecraft deaths, you live to build again another day. For those who grief and get Grinched, even their name will be forgotten, their lonely mountain returned to a place where sheep and future crafters gambol without care in the light of a squarish sun. “And because he did things that nobody could stand, poor L33t_HaX0r_St3Ve got his blocky ass banned.”

What other deaths have befallen you needlessly? Report from the field below!

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